


Just Ain't Enough

by juice817, semaphoredrivethru



Series: Past Curfew [14]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-17
Updated: 2011-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-26 05:12:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/279076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juice817/pseuds/juice817, https://archiveofourown.org/users/semaphoredrivethru/pseuds/semaphoredrivethru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Confrontations suck. But sometimes, they just have to happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Ain't Enough

**Author's Note:**

> _Originally posted March 9, 2007_

  
"So what do you want for your birthday?" Terence asked, grinning sleepily as he curled up against Oliver, kissing his shoulder. He felt positively brilliant, all loose-limbed and relaxed, and he was fairly purring as he tangled their bare legs together. It was the spring hols, and with all the troubles earlier in the year with that madman Black on the loose, most parents had insisted their children come home when they could. Terence had, however, outright begged his parents to stay at the school. Just like he knew Oliver had. And they hadn't wasted a single, precious moment of their time together so far, making Terence feel almost decadent about ignoring the rest of the world, but not nearly guilty enough to stop acting like such a lovesick fool.

Besides, when they were like this, it was so easy to forget about the distant way Oliver had been behaving for almost two months now, how Terence had tried everything he could to keep his boyfriend's attention and knew he was failing. When they were like this, they were happy and in love and everything was fine, which was just how Terence liked things. "I know you hate birthdays, Ol, but this is the first one we'll be together for, so humour me, yeah?"

Oliver stretched, just to feel the slide of their bare skin together. He cupped Terence's face and lifted it to his own to kiss him slowly. "Yeah, okay," Oliver murmured against Terence's lips. "But I'll have to think about it." With a quick grin, Oliver put his arm around the other boy and slid his hand down the length of Terence's spine. "Can't I just have you?" he asked whimsically as he curled his fingers over the curve of Terence's arse. "I don't need anything else."

Terence laughed softly and nuzzled their noses together. "You've got me already," he murmured, still smiling as he kissed Oliver lightly. "I've got something for you, by the way."

"Then I don't have to think of something," Oliver said, almost ridiculously relieved. He nuzzled back and brushed his lips over the corner of Terence's mouth. Cuddling was almost as good as coming. Oliver smiled and let his eyes drift closed.

"No, I mean, for you right now," Terence chuckled, kissing back. "But it can wait, because I'm not moving until I have to." Grinning, Terence tilted his face up and brushed a kiss along Oliver's cheekbone. "I love you."

"Mmm, no, don't move," Oliver murmured. "Love you too." He was starting to drift a bit, warm and comfortable and held close. He just felt so _good_. "You know you don't have to get me things."

"Not like that," Terence said, kissing Oliver's neck. "It's just some sketches I did. Of you. You're my muse, you know," he added, blushing. "That sounds so Hufflepuff, I know. But you are." Laughing softly at himself, Terence lifted his head and kissed the slightly up-turned tip of Oliver's nose, feeling silly for doing so but still wanting to kiss every inch of the other boy.

Oliver was just this side of sleep when lips brushed the end of his nose. _Bill_ , he thought drowsily and opened his eyes, shocked all out of proportion to see dark hair falling into hazel eyes instead of red into blue surrounded by freckles. He pushed Terence away almost roughly, hating the hole that had opened in the pit of his stomach, hating himself for not being able to let Bill go. "What'd you do that for?" Oliver asked hoarsely. He sat up and ran his hands through his hair, managing not to rub the kiss away from his nose but just barely.

It took Terence a few beats to comprehend what was going on. All he knew was he was cold now and Oliver looked _angry_. For a kiss. He almost apologised right then, almost made excuses, but then he saw the distant look in Oliver's eyes, and Terence hardened his mouth. He knew that look, knew it wasn't Terence that Oliver was seeing. Sitting up, Terence arched an eyebrow and tried not to let it show how much it hurt. "I didn't realise I wasn't allowed to kiss you," he said, hands fisting in the sheets. "Don't worry, I won't do it again."

"Don't be ridiculous," Oliver said sharply, aware this was going to spiral out of control but unable to stop himself. He'd wanted it to be Bill, so much he hurt, and he was angry at himself because this wasn't fair to either one of them, but he didn't want to let Terence go. "You're my boyfriend, you're supposed to kiss me."

"But only when it doesn't remind you of _him_ ," Terence said in a low voice, suddenly angry at this mystery boy that always seemed to be between them. "Unless you're getting fucked, and then it's all well and good if you don't have to open your eyes, now isn't it?"

Oliver's stomach lurched. "But you don't like to fuck me, so it's not really a problem," he heard himself say, and he blanched. _I'm sorry, that's not -_ "I don't know what you're talking about. I open my eyes." Oliver fisted his own hands in the sheets to keep from reaching for Terence.

Terence narrowed his eyes. "And who do you see?" he demanded. His heart was breaking and he knew this was only going to get worse, but now that he'd started, he couldn't seem to stop himself. "Who do you think about, Oliver? Who is that you're always thinking about, that's always in bed with us?"

"You," Oliver insisted. "There's only you." Oliver finally reached out and put one hand over Terence's fist. "Don't do this," he whispered. "I love you."

"Not enough to tell me the truth, though." Terence tightened his fist to keep from turning his hand around. "I love you, but I'm not as stupid as you think I am."

"I don't think you're stupid," Oliver said indignantly. He tightened his hand on Terence's fist and weighed his next words carefully. "And that _is_ the truth. There's just you." It was the truth, as far as it went. Oliver suppressed a wince at the thought. He hated this.

Snatching his hand away, Terence let a wounded look pass over his face. "Only half true, and I can tell that," he said, looking away for a long beat. "I'm not your first choice," he said, wishing his wand and clothes were closer. He hurt and he wanted to get out of there, away from Oliver's well-meaning lies. "Even if you're mine."

Oliver didn't know what to say, how to fix it. Terence was wrong, in that he was Oliver's only choice, but right in the fact that if Bill were an option there wouldn't even be a question of choice. "Terence," Oliver finally whispered. His throat hurt. "You're my only choice. Please, Ter, I love you. I'm _sorry_."

"Your only choice," Terence echoed faintly, and pulled away, inching back until he was out of bed. "You could have fucking told me that," he muttered, quickly snatching up his pants and pulling them on. Being naked right now was the next to the last thing Terence wanted, right behind having this argument. "Could have let me know before I..." He trailed off, unable to say he loved Oliver again, not in the face of this new confirmation. "Good to know where I rate in all this."

"That's not how I meant - fuck." Oliver was starting to get irritated with Terence's refusal to just let it go. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? They loved each other, and they'd been happy, and so what if he couldn't stop thinking about Bill? Bill was the past. It wasn't as though he'd been fucking someone else. He ran a hand through his hair again and then climbed out of bed. "I love _you_ ," Oliver said, and grabbed Terence's arm. "Please, just - please. Terence."

Terence paused but refused to look directly at Oliver. He didn't think he'd be able to manage that and keep from crying just now. Then he sighed and shook his head. "Not as much as him, though."

Oliver's throat worked. _He doesn't want me, though_. Oliver closed his eyes. It hit him suddenly and hard how unfair he'd been to Terence all along, how much he'd hurt this boy he'd only wanted to love. His eyes stung and he swallowed hard. "I'm sorry," Oliver said, the words rough and low and painful. "God, I'm so sorry." Oliver let his hand drop from Terence's arm.

"So am I," Terence whispered, grabbing his clothes and pulling them on quickly. He kept his eyes to the floor the entire time, though it was too late to hide the fact that he was crying after all. For some reason, he'd expected more anger, more fire to keep his pride together, but instead, Terence just felt empty and defeated, cheated of the happiness he'd never get from Oliver. He hefted his satchel, heavy with the extra book that he'd brought, and impulsively pulled the book out, tossing it onto Oliver's bed. "It's for you," he said, wiping furiously at his eyes.

Oliver wanted so desperately to stop him from leaving, wanted to take back the last several minutes, wanted so much to be able to give Terence what he deserved. A hot flash of anger directed toward Bill ran through him and was just as quickly gone, leaving Oliver tired. "Thank you," he whispered. Instead of reaching for the book Oliver wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm sorry," he said again. A ghost of a smile full of self derision quirked Oliver's mouth as he said, "I don't deserve you."

"Not if you can let me go like that," Terence said, half-bitter and all defeated. He stopped in front of Oliver and tentatively touched his arm. "You need to let him go, whoever he is, you know," he said. "Either that or get him back."

"He doesn't want me anymore. I'm not sure it was ever really me he wanted in the first place," Oliver said very softly. His eyes were burning now, but he blinked rapidly, trying to keep the tears from falling. He tried a smile. "I don't want to let you go, Ter. But," he shrugged and turned his face away as the tears started to fall, "s'not fair."

Terence pressed his forehead against Oliver's temple, unable to keep from touching him one more time. "I bet he does. You're you," he whispered, and squeezed his eyes shut. "I wish you'd told me. I might've stayed. Just to be with you." Then he pulled away, almost stumbling as he hurried to the door before he could offer to stay anyhow. He did stop, though, and paused in the doorway, looking back with what might have been a sad smile, but looked more like a grimace instead. "I'll... see you around?"

Oliver nodded blindly, unable to see clearly through the tears. He really didn't deserve Terence, and Terence didn't deserve to be second choice, but god. He hurt, and missed Ter already. Oliver tightened his arms around himself so he wouldn't reach for Terence, bit his lip so he wouldn't beg Terence to stay. _I love you._

"Bye," Terence said, and then ran down the hall and the stone stairs, glad again that it was the spring hols, but this time for entirely different reasons than only a few minutes ago.

"Happy fucking birthday," Oliver whispered harshly and laughed. Wiping furiously at his eyes, he turned to crawl back into bed and saw the book Terence had thrown there. It was the sketch book Terence was always working in and never sharing. Oliver picked it up reverently, taking it with him as he settled himself back into the bed he'd shared with Terence so recently.

Oliver opened the book and gasped softly. The very first page was him on the Hogwarts Express, the first day he'd met Terence. He could see vague suspicion in his own face and remembered feeling it when Terence had invaded their car, and the soft laugh that caught in his throat became a sob. Page after page, Terence had illustrated the frustrations and joys of Oliver's seventh year, and Oliver could see in the drawings when Bill's letter had come. Maybe if Oliver had realised he would have told Terence, because there was no way in hell Terence hadn't seen something wrong. But Oliver hadn't realised, and now it was done, and Oliver had taken his own turn in breaking someone else. Wrapping himself around the sketchbook, Oliver wept until he fell asleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~

 _Bill,_

 _You were right, you know. I'm amazed sometimes at how patient you really were with me and a little embarrassed at what a child I was. I know better now. ~~Love isn't worth it.~~_

 _School's nearly done. I've already signed the contract with Puddlemere, and only wish training camp started the day after school ends. June will be excruciating. Some of the guys are talking about the World Cup game; the team has a box reserved so I'm invited as part of the group. Real life and a job just keeps getting better and better. But until then I still have charms revision due first thing in the morning. Stupid bloody schoolwork._

 _Oliver_

  
 _Oliver,_

 _Not that I don't like being told how right and brilliant I am, because I do, but what was I right about this time? And what's wrong that's got you so grumpy? I'd say maybe it was just end of year exams, but this is different._

 _If you won't tell me, though, I reckon you won't. I can always try and drag it out of you at the World Cup, since I've got connections to get enough discounted tickets for my whole family plus Harry to go. I'm just waiting to hear back from my dad. Either way, unless there's some sort of disaster here, I'll be there. It'll be nice to see you again; I realised the other day that it's been just over a year since we've, well, since we last saw each other._

 _  
Fondly,_

 _  
~Bill_

  
 _Bill,_

 _I never said brilliant. I'm not grumpy, either. ~~But it's all your fault.~~ If you don't know then maybe I didn't seem as stupid as I remember, so nevermind._

 _I - you're coming back? You'll be at the game? It'll be ~~brilliant~~ ~~hard~~ ~~wicked~~ nice to see you again. Has it really been a year? It seems both longer and shorter than that. If that makes sense. I'll be with my team, but I'll watch for you. Maybe we'll run into each other._

 _Oliver_

Maybe, hell. There was no way Oliver would miss the chance to see Bill again, even Bill didn't see him. He literally ached at the thought, fingers itching to touch, just one more time. He'd been miserable since Terence had left him, since _Bill_ had left him, and he finally decided Bill had a point. Bill, Oliver thought, didn't believe in love at all but Oliver believed in it too much, and either way hurt. Hopefully Oliver could take Terence's advice and let Bill go, move on, after seeing him again. He'd never really had the chance to say goodbye, and Oliver hoped - and feared - that that was why he was still hanging on. _You're you_ , Terence had said, and Oliver kept wondering what exactly that meant.

And why the men he loved were able to leave him behind in spite of it.


End file.
